The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

A cowboy walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines him, he says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a shot of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."



The cowboy grabs the doc's arm, "No way. I hate needles I'm not having any shot!"



So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."



The man replies, "Absolutely not. It makes me very sick for a couple of days. I'm not having gas."



So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here," he says. "Take this pill."



"What is it?" asks the cowboy.



The doc replies, "Viagra."



The cowboy looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.



"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

A Mormon was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London, England, to Melbourne, Australia.



After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.



The Aussie asked for a rum and Coke, which was brought and placed before him.



The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.



He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."



The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

A young woman goes to the local council to register for child benefits.



"How many children?" asks the council worker.



"Ten," replies the woman.



"Ten!", says the council worker. "What are their names?"



"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne," says the woman.



"Doesn't that get confusing?" asks the council worker.



"Naah," says the woman. "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout, 'WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY' or 'WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW' and they all do it."



"What if you want to speak to individually?" asks the perturbed council worker.



"That's easy," says the young woman, "I just use their surnames."

In pharmacology, all drugs have two names - a trade name and a generic name.



For example, the trade name of Tylenol is acetaminophen. Aleve is known anaproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, and Advil is ibuprofen.



The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced it has settled on the generic name of mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix and, of course, ibepokin.



Pfizer Corp. is making an announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims it will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.



Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink. This additive gives new meaning to the names of cocktails, highballs, and just a good old fashioned stiff drink. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of Mount 'N Do.

Now that the U.S. elections are done, this seemed a good time to pass on a very good example of political history and political wit. Benjamin Disraeli was British Prime Minister in 1868, and again from 1873 - 1880. Disraeli was a brilliant man and famous for his rapier-like wit.



As the story goes, one of Disraeli's political opponents was addressing the the Parliament, railing at Disraeli's policies. Disraeli sat behind, and on a higher level, than than the speaker and kept kibbitzing throughout the man's speech, drawing chuckles and laughter from the members of Parliament.



As the kibbitzing continued, the speaker became angrier and angrier. Suddenly, his face red with anger the speaker turned and pointing an accusing finger at Disraeli angrily shouted, "You, sir, shall die either by the hangman's noose or of some dreaded disease!"



Without missing a beat, Disreali stood up and said: "Only, sir, if I embrace either your policies or your mistress!"



At that point, the Parliament was rolling with laughter and a recess had to be called. Disraeli's opponent never got to finish his speech.

An Amish lady is driving down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a policeman.



"Ma'am, I'm not going to ticket you but I do have to issue you a warning," the officer said. "You have a broken reflector on your buggy."



"Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home," she replied.



"That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse," said the officer. "That's cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!"



Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the police officer.



"Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" asked Jacob.



"He said the reflector is broken," she answered.



"I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" asked her husband.



"I'm not sure, Jacob ... something about the emergency brake..."

A man on trial for selling drugs had a neighbor who was called as a witness.



The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?"



"No, sir," answered the man.



"Did you ever get any from his wife?" asked the attorney.



"No, sir."



"Did you ever get any from his daughters?"



"Uh, excuse me, sir," the witness said, "but we are still talking about drugs, right?"

The psychic gazed at her Tarot cards and delivered the bad news: "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there's just no easy way to say this: prepare to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent, horrible death within the year."



Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.



She took a few deep breaths, composed herself and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

This makes me so MAD!!!!! This is upsetting but I thought I should pass it along. Check your drivers license. Now you can see anyone's Driver's License on the Internet, including your own! I just searched for mine and there it was... picture and all!! Thanks Homeland Security! Where are our rights?



I definitely removed mine. I suggest you do the Same. Go to the web site and check it out. Just enter your name, city and state to see if yours is on file. After your license comes on the screen, click the box marked, "Please Remove." This will remove it from public viewing, but not from law enforcement.



http://www.license.shorturl.com/

Just is case there was any doubt about these subjects



1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.



2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking your boss's car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

(e) When she is using her teeth.



3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.



4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.



5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.



6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden. However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.



7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.



8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.



9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.



10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.



11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.



12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.



13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.



14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.



15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.



16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.



17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.



18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.



19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.



20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.



21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!

c) Another set and we can hit the showers!



22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.



23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.



24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.



25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.



26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.



27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.



28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.



We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"



We hope this clears up any confusion,



The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.